Funny Quotes & e-cards collection

If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind I’d be SO skinny!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.

Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.

I hate long distance relationships. That’s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom!

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday!!

View Full Album

Read more »

e-cards, funny quotes, funny quotes and e-cards collection,

{[['']]}

Some funny Quotes and e-cards

It’s all fun and games,
until someone calls the cops.
Then it’s a new game!
Hide and seek.

 My life is all math!

I am trying to add to my income,

subtract from my weight,

divide my time

and avoid multiplying.

 

Be that kind of woman that,

when your feet hit the floor

each morning

the devil says

“oh crap she’s up”

Read more »

e-cards, funny quotes, Photos,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes & e-cards

I hate when i plan a conversation in my
head and the other person doesn’t follow
the damn script . . .


Oh ,you are a model.What’s your
agency?Instagram?



Never make the same mistake
twice.There are so many new once ,try
different one each day.

Read more »

e-cards, funny quotes, Photos,

{[['']]}

Quotes

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity."


"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."


"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."

"If you can smile when things go wrong, That means you have someone in mind to blame."

"His I.Q. is so low you can’t test it. You have to dig his brain for it."

"Money is the root of all evil, for more information, send $50 please."

"He broke her heart, she broke his xbox. What do you think who cried harder?"

+LoL Just 4 Fun 

"Good friends don’t let you do stupid things alone."

"Money does not bring happiness, but shopping does."

"I am writing a book. I have got the page numbers done. Now I just have to fill the rest."

"Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, sometimes you just have to rely on self-service."


"It's an irony that thousand of years have gone in people doing algebra, but “X” is still unknown."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes

"You don't have to like me ,
I'm not a Facebook status."

"I'm not getting older,
I'm just becoming a
Classic."

"Damn Right I'm good in bed!
I can sleep for days."

"Monday! You bastard!"

"If you stumble,
just make it part
of the dance."

"I'm not single. . .I'm in along standing
relationship with fun and freedom."

+LoL Just 4 Fun 

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes

"I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."


"I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! . . .
He’s dreaming too."


"Drinks: $40. Dinner: $70. Hotel room $200. The look on his face when she said, “I’m on my period”: Priceless..."


"I should win an oscar for acting like I’m busy at work."

"So I made up a new word: Askhole. A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them."

"I’m not shy. I’m just very good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.. Most of you aren’t."

"Did you ever notice: Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate ?"

"I love texting those people who reply super fast, it makes me feel like they really want to talk to me."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes

"Admit it you’ve raised your hand to answer the obvious question so you don’t get called on later."

"I wish I could go back to the day I met you… and walk the hell away."

"I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year."

"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness clearly never paid for a divorce!"

"Don’t be too confident when someone tells you that they love you, the real question is “until when?” sometimes it’s just like seasons."

Friend:

“Where are you?”

Me:

“Robbing a bank.”

Friend:

“Omg really?”

ME:

“No wtf! You called my house phone where do you think I am?!”

"Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said: Disneyland Left.

So they started crying and headed home."

"If you don’t like me: -Take a map -Get a car -Drive to → HELL!! Have a nice trip."

"I hate how after an argument I think of more clever shit I should have said."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Quotes

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to.
I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

"Don't forget Mother's Day.
Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?"

"When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life."

"The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere."

"If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."

"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'"

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny quotes

"I want to meet myself
from someone else’s point of view."

"I really need to learn the difference between being hungry and being bored..."

"Success is like being pregnant.
Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were f**ked before you got there."

"When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides. Just in case, there are any women driving."

"Not sure if children’s cartoons are getting weirder or I’m getting older and more sensible."

"Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played ninjas well played!"

"People tend to confess everything during late night text message conversations."

"I’m painting a blue square in my backyard. So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool."

"I can hear Monday morning already whispering “go f**k yourself” into my ear."

"If actions speak louder than words, then I am going to slap your mouth shut, then I won’t have to listen to anymore bullshit!"

"That moment when you do a maths problem and your answer isn’t one of the few choices."

"Me? Jealous? hahahahahahaha Yes!"

"We are at that point in our friendship where you should realize that we don’t have one."

"That awkward moment when two people start a conversation on your facebook status."

"Internet explorer the number one browser for downloading a better browser."

"If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why are there no hot chocolate trucks in the winter?"

"Going from “today is a good day” to “i hate my life” takes me approximately 2.8 seconds."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny humorous Quotes

"I tried sniffing coke,
but the Ice Cubes got stuck
in my nose . . ."

"Men go shopping to buy what they want.
Women go shopping to find out what they want."

"Whenever you’re sad just remember that
you don’t look like you did in
6th grade."

“So the Samsung Galaxy S4 is revealed. I have a feeling Apple will sue Samsung for spelling 4S backwards”.

"Saw a Chinese kid and a black kid wave to each other today.
Gave me hope for the future.
Or another Rush Hour movie."

"Ironically,

the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life."

"Cell phone brings you closer to person far from you.

But it takes you away from the ones

sitting next to you!"

"That awkward moment when twins are fighting,

and one calls the other one ugly."

"I don’t need apple maps to get completely

lost in your eyes."

"I love it when someone texts me 5 minutes in a row

but then 30 seconds later

they cant even answer the damn phone."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

20 funny one - liners

1.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2.Do not argue with an idiot.

He will drag you down to his level

and beat you with experience.

3.sex is not the answer. sex is the question.

"Yes" is the answer.

4.Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship.

5.We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before

the police.

6.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

7.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing

in a garage makes you a car.

8.War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

9.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

10.Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

11.His mother never saw the irony in calling him a son-of-a-bitch.

12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',

and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

13.If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

14.A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.On my desk, I have a work station..

15.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...

does that mean that one enjoys it?

16.How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,

but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17.Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,

they can train people to stand on the very edge

of the pool and throw them fish?

18.Fighting for peace is like fawking for virginity.

19.Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

20.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

"Quotes"

"3 out of the 4 voicesin my head want to sleep.The other one wants toknow if penguins have knees?"

"Election time:Where choosing who to vote for is like choosing which brand of
shoe gets to kick you in the balls."

"Relationships are only meant for two,

but some bitches don’t know how to 

count."

"Some people need a shock collar

 and I need the control."

"I don’t understand how Super Mario
can smash blocks with his head
but dies when he touches a turtle..."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Quotes - Just for fun

"I offended you with my opinion?
You should hear the ones I keep to myself."

"If I had a dollarfor every time Ithought about you,I would start thinkingabout you."

"If you always expect the unexpected,

  doesn’t that make 

the unexpected expected?"

"When you’re seriously trying to watch something

and your whole family decides to have a competition

to see who can be the loudest."

"I’m not saying I am batman.

I’m just saying no one has ever

seen me and batman 

in the same room."

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny quotes

"We all have that one friendthat needs to learn how towhisper :/"

"In a group picture, there’s always that person
who does the peace sign."

"I once had a life . . .

then some idiot came and 

told me to make a FACEBOOK account!"

"When I was kidnapped,

my parents snapped into action.

They rented out my room."

"I am not high maintenance

you just have low standards."

"I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex . . .

I was just thinking of baby names 

in case you get pregnant!"

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes

"Always follow your brain . . .
Your heart is stupid as fuck !"

"I got 99 problems
and they're all
due Monday."

"I got 99 problems
and I'm not dealing
with any of them."

"Self control:The ability to prevent
myself from beating the shit out of
someone who desperately needs it."

"Theacher:
3xy + 2y² = a-z. Find x.
Me:
It’s in the middle of 3 and y."

"Dentist:
So what are your plans for summer ?
Me:
GSSGRRAFGRSV GDSGFSDFASF FAFFFYSSFFFXD.
Dentist:
Sounds like fun!"

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Quotes

While in the shower:

2% Cleaning body

8% Singing

90% Winning fake arguments.

I solve many of my problems
by simply
ignoring them.

Trying to understand women
is like to trying to smell
the color 8.

How do i kick someone in the face

without hurting their feelings?

Most people want a perfect relationship . . .

I just want a hamburger that looks like the

once in commercials.

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Quotes (LoL - 4fun)

I am on a seafood diet.

Every time I see food ,

I eat it!

"Do not touch MY iPhone!It's not an

usPhone ,it's not a wePhone ,it's 

not an ourPhone ,it's an iPhone!!!"

"You hate drama?

Good!

Stop starting it!"

"Life would be amazing if people just shut up.

 stop telling me how to live my life and just

      live theirs."

Quotes

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Just funny quotes

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’”

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?”

“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.”

“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.”

“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.”

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” 

“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.”

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”

“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.”

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}

Funny Quotes (4)

”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.”

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.”

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

Read more »

funny quotes,

{[['']]}