Jokes / Settle on a price

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"Well yes!" answered the woman.

The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"

"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."

Read more »

Men Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall"

A woman got an antique Magic Mirror from the flee market which claims
will make your wish come true. 

So the woman took it home and made a
wish : " Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, please make my breast to
forty-four." 

Suddenly, the magic happens. Her breast is getting larger
and larger to size 44. 

Her boy friend saw what had happened to her and
couldn't wait to make a wish himself. 

So the guy said to the the
mirror: " Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, please make my " it" to the
floor." 

Then the " Miracle" happens. The guy's legs were getting shorter
and shorter and finally his " it" did reach the floor.

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Transcontinental train

An very old man and a young woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / "Hi, Keith!"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new
madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,
“That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New
house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Skipping Diet

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks.

The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.

”When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Wrong Husband

A woman goes to a party and leaves her husband at home to watch the football game. At the party the bartender

recognized her wedding ring on the wrong finger so he ask her "Why is your wedding ring on the wrong finger

mam?" "Well you don’t miss a thing do you and your right it is, and it’s because I married the wrong man!"

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Bus Stop

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a

bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow

her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a

little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step,

only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip

her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment

she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to

take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and

placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't

even know who you are!"

The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly

three times, I kind'a figured we were friends."

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Analysis Of Women

Element: woman

Symbol: Wo 
Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.

Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1) surface usually covered in painted film

2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason

3) melts if given proper treatment

4) bitter if used incorrectly

5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common 'ore

Chemical Properties:

1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones

2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances

3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male

4) insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol

5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:

1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2) most powerful money-reducing agent known

3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:

1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state

2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:

1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Ugly Woman

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist' s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Brunette

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Insulted

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / Leave early again

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / "Hello...Mom?"

A stupid girl goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in England .

The man tells her it will be $100. 

She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in England!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??" 

And the girl says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it and, while holding it close to her lips, she says....

"Hello...Mom?"

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}

Jokes / A woman's random thoughts

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

Read more »

Jokes, Women Jokes,

{[['']]}