Jokes / World Ideologies Explained

Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Bureucratism
You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


Fascism
You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Socialism
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.

Communism
You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Nazism
You have two Cows. The State takes both and shoots you. 

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Jokes / Funny Cinderella Story

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my b*lls chopped off now, don't you?'

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Jokes / Ten Reasons to go to work naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 

Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

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Jokes / Snow White and the 7 dwarfs

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard day’s work. As they approached the house, they heard some sounds coming from the garden.

Their curiosity aroused, they stood on each others’ shoulders until finally one of them could see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the Prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulders he is standing on, “Snow White is with the Prince.”

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, “Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is…..” (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

“They`re Kissing”

Again the chain starts:
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re …….”

“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off…………”

“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both………”

“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to……….”

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, so she gets up to investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

“She`s Coming..”

“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”

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Jokes / Chicken surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

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Jokes / Day off

Two factory workers are talking:

The woman says :

"I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how you are gonna do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Their boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Jokes / A Pablo Picasso Joke

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. 

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

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Jokes / 20 funny things to do in elevator while bored

1.      When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.      Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.      Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

4.      Swat at flies that don't exist.

5.      Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

6.      Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

7.      Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

8.      Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

9.      Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 

10.  Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

11.  Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

12.  Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

13.  Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

14.  Fart loudly then exclaim "Was that you. There's no way I could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."

15.  Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

16.  Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

17.  Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.

18.  Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"

 19.  Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

20.  Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

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Jokes / Things You'll Probably Never See Happen in Star Trek

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.

9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.

19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36. Data falls in love with the replicator.

37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.

45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.

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Jokes / Art exhibition at the National Gallery

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. The man in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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Jokes / Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies:

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
   

2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
 

3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
   

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
  

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  

6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
   

7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
   

8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
   

9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
 

10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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Jokes / "Low Bridge Ahead"

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." 

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. 

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" 

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Jokes / In The Grocery Store

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Jokes / Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill,

in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Jokes / Job Search Jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...

    JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
    We have no time to train you.

    COMPETITIVE SALARY:
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    FLEXIBLE HOURS:
    Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

    GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

    ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
    You whine, you're fired.

    MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
    We have no quality control.

    CAREER-MINDED:
    Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    SELF-MOTIVATED:
    Management won't answer questions.

    SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    DUTIES WILL VARY:
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
    We have a lot of turnover.

    SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
    We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

    CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

    SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
    If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

    REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

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Jokes / Inspection

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. 

The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. 

Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. 

The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.

Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

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Jokes / Chapped Lips

This old timer is setting on the porch of a saloon. A cowboy comes riding up and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse and kisses its ass. 

The old timer looks in amazement and says, "Hey Cowboy why the hell did ya' kiss your horse's ass?" 

Cowboy: "Well, I have chapped lips"

Old Timer: "So are ya' sayin' that will cure chap lips?"

Cowboy: "Nope ... but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

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Jokes / "Emma Come First..."

Bus stops and two black men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once mo'."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Yo, cool down lady," said the man. "Im just tellun my friend how to spell Mississippi."

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Jokes / How to confuse a telemarketer

Tell them you're under house arrest and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

After they have introduced themselves cry out in surprise and ask them how they have been. This will set them back a few moments while they

try to figure out where you know each other from.

Ask them to speak very slowly as you are busy writing down every word they say.

Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment but if they'll leave you their home phone number you'll call them back.

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Jokes / Real Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't

be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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