Jokes / Settle on a price

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"Well yes!" answered the woman.

The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"

"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."

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Men Jokes, Women Jokes,

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Jokes / Perfect advise

An old man was working out in the gym when he spotted a cute young girl.He asked the trainer that was near by, 
"Hey, what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet girl over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."

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Jokes / The right decision

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

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Jokes / Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

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Jokes / Saddle

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.

Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

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Jokes / "Both of them?"

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 

"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" 

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. 

There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking.

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" 

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" 

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"

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Jokes / Planning Vacation

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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Jokes / "I'm sorry, but the cat died!"

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. 

When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. 

The brother hesitated, then said, `I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.` 

The man was very upset and yelled, `You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. 

Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. 

Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.` 

The brother thought about it and apologized. `So how`s Mom?` asked the man.`She`s on the roof and won`t come down.`

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Jokes / Vacation

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. 

They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, `Have you read Marx?`

To which the professor of psychology replied, `Yes and I think it`s these pesky wicker chairs.`

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Jokes / Rich in afterlife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, `When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.`

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, `Wait just a minute!`

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, `Girl, I know you weren`t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.` The loyal wife replied,

`Listen, I`m a Christian, I can`t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.`

`You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?`

`I sure did,` said the wife. `I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.`

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Jokes / Out of fuel

Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger,  Cessna 345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

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Jokes / Jar of peanuts

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

`Don`t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,` the old man replies. `Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M`s.`

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Jokes / I Love You Too

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:“

Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,

thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong

honey. I love you too!!”

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Jokes / Ideal Man

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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Jokes / Men's Bathroom

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

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Jokes / Peeing in a fountain

There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"
So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing loudly. 

Finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"

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Jokes / Ugliest women in Heaven

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

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Jokes / Deadly fruit

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

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Jokes / Newborn

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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Jokes / Bravery Rewarded

An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: "All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven."

The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman.

He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence.

He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to make his point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”

The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

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