Jokes / Salesman and Indian

A salesman is driving toward home in  Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

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Jokes / An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

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Jokes / Hilarious chinese learning lesson

I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

Are you hiding a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim

Hilarious Chinese learning lesson

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King

You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived.
Hai Dei Kum

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Sing Ka

Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song

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Jokes / Irish shopping

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"' Scuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?" 

"Nothing, said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

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Jokes / Funny English Notices Around The World

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.
 
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.
 

Signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

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Jokes / Chinese English

Approach me   (Kum Hia)
 

Stupid Fellow   (Dum Gai)
 

Small Horse      (Tai Ni Poni)
 

Prices are too high here  (No Bai Dam Ting)
 

Miami vacationing agreed with you  (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
 

I bumped into a coffee table   (Ai Bang Mi Ni)
 

Have you considered a face lift?     (Chin Tu Fat)
 

Are you harboring a fugitive?      (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
 

You try saving electricity      (Wai So Dim?)
 

Unauthorized execution      (Lin Ching)
 

Inquiry to determine if bus is due     (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
 

Plaything belonging to ancient emperor      (Ming Toy)
 

You're blowing your diet         (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
 

Keep out of the pond          (Noh Wei Ding)
 

Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?      (Wai You sing Dum Song)
 

You are not so bright     (Yu So Dum)
 

I have a press pass      (Ai No Pei)
 

Remain out of sight       (Lei Lo)
 

Cleaning automobile    (Wa Shing Cah)
 

Did someone fertilize the field?      (Hu Flung Dung?)
 

Your body odor is offensive    (Shu Man Go)
 

They are approaching    (Hia Dei Kum)

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Jokes / Mexican clock

A mexican was sitting on the corner, and a tourist came up to him and asked - 

"Do you know the time?" 

"Yes" said the mexican and leaned over and lifted up his donkeys balls, and looked and said that it was about two thirty, 

the tourist then said "Wow, how could you tell time by doing that?" 

The mexican lifted up the donkeys balls, agian and told the tourist to lean over look, and said "you see that clock over there?

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Jokes / Renting a donkey

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, `Can I rent a donkey?`

The guy said, `We don`t call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop.`

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, `We don`t call them hotdogs here we call the wieners.`

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says `Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?`

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Jokes / On the Mexican border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, `What`s in the bags?`

`Sand,` answered Juan.

The guard says, `We`ll just see about that. Get off the bike.` The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, `What`s in the bags?`

`Sand,` says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn`t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

`Hey, Buddy,` says the guard, `I know you are smuggling something. It`s driving me crazy. It`s all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?`

Juan sips his beer and says, `Bicycles.`

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Jokes / Damned Egg

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

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Jokes / Hounted house

One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.
They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.
Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of  Mickey Mouse appears and says 

"I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"
Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said

" I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".
Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

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Jokes / Norwegian

A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"
The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

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Jokes / Have another drink

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

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Jokes / "Land Mines"

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

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