Jokes / What's Wrong, Doc?

What's Wrong, Doc?

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

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Jokes/ Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

There are things, you really don't wanna hear during surgery:
*****

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• “Ok, will finish that crap later!”
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• “Guys the game begins, turn on the tv!”
• Damn, there go the lights again...
• “What the f**k is this? Don’t know…push it back..”
• "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

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Jokes / No help required

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, John found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need John’s help to leave the hospital. 

After a short talk about rules being rules, he reluctantly let John wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down John asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

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Jokes / "Calm Down"

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my wife is cheating on me. Every evening, she goes to Smiley’s Bar and picks up men. 

Actually, she sleeps with everyone who asks her. I’m going mad! What should I do?”

“Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Ok, now tell me, where exactly is Smiley’s Bar?”

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Jokes / Childbirth worries

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. 

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little!"
"Like this?"
"A little more!"
"Like this?"
"No. A little more!"
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

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Jokes / "What's the bad news?"

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

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Jokes / What doctors say, and what they're really thinking

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

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Jokes / Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'

'Oh no' Edna replies, 'that's where I put him to dry !'

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Jokes / Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden

name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you

have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

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Jokes / Blood Test

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

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Jokes / Course in first aid

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. 

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, 

"It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

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Jokes / Eating Disorder

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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Jokes / "Might be a duck"

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

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Jokes / Heart transplant

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. 

The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. 

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. 

The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

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Jokes / Dangerous phone call

A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, `I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...`

`But how the heck did you burn the other ear?` The doctor asked.

`They called back.`

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Jokes / At the psychiatrist

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, `Doctor, you`ve got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he`s a refrigerator!`

`I wouldn`t worry too much about it,` the doctor replies. `Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.`

`But you don`t understand,` the woman insists. `He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.`

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Jokes / Stuttering problem

A man visits the doctor`s because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: `It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.`

`Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?`

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: `I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!`

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Jokes / Brain Transplants

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. 

The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $300,000. For a female brain, $100,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

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Jokes / Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Jones, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hanged himself."

"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Mr. Jones replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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Jokes / What problem?

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

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