Jokes / Perfect compliment

The wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband:
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The guy says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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Jokes / Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
.
.

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Miami."

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Jokes / Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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Jokes / Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
 

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
 

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
 

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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Jokes / Bedtime storie

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
 

"Once upon a time there was a white bunny....."
 

"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
 

Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
 

"Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!"
 

"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."

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Jokes / "Is That Your Final Answer?"

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

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Jokes / Horse Shoe

A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

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Jokes / Letter

A college student writes to his parents...

"Dear Mom and Dad,

"I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

"Your son,
Marvin.

"P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,

"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!"

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Jokes / Knowing The Difference

This old man and his wife were sitting on the porch rocking in their chairs. They'd been married for like 60 years. They just sat there rocking back and forth when all of a sudden Grandma reaches back and just slaps the hell out of Grandpa.

He rubbed his face. "Ma what ya do that for" he asked. 

She looked at him and said "for being a sorry fuck for 60 years" They went back to rocking and in a couple of minutes Grandpa lays back and knocks the hell out of Grandma. 

He knocks her out of her chair, off the porch and into the yard. She rubs her face and asks " Pa what you go and do that for"

He looked at her sternly "for knowing the difference" he answered.

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Jokes / "Daddy, I want to get married!"

A boy says, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!"

The father says, "For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl." 

The son says, "I've found a girl." 

"Who?"

"My grandmother." 

"Let me get this straight,"the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."

"Well, why not?" the son says. "You married mine!"

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Jokes / "Is that all we have left?"

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

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Jokes / "I meant the next baby"

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he

said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I

didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

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Jokes / Birthday Present

A guy says:

"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." 

His friend :

"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

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Jokes / Mom should I tell him?

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. 

She said, `Not until you feed the animals.`

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, `I don`t feel like feeding you today.` 

So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. 

The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. 

His mother said, `I saw you kick the chicken so you`re not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you`re not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you`re not getting any bacon.`

Just then the boy`s father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, `Mom should I tell him?`

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Jokes / Shipwrecked

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, `Stop making love down there!`

`What`s the matter with you?` the husband said when the sailor climbed down. `We weren`t making love.`

`Sorry,` said the sailor, `From up there it looked like you were.`

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, `By golly he`s right! It DOES look like they`re making love down there!`

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Jokes / "Karate my ass"

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors` houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, `I need a good guard dog.`

And the clerk replied, `Sorry, we`re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.`

The wife didn`t believe him so he said to the dog, `Karate that chair.`

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, `Karate that table.` The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said `Karate my ass!`?

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Jokes / Dear Marry

“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.

“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.

“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.”

“And?”

At the end of the letter it was written:


PS. Dear Marry, when you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son!

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Jokes / Celebration

The married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man

in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?“

“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.“

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Jokes / Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.

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Jokes / Marry Me

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

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