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Jokes / Settle on a price
A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"Well yes!" answered the woman.
The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"
"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
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']]}Jokes / Funny Cinderella Story
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my b*lls chopped off now, don't you?'
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my b*lls chopped off now, don't you?'
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']]}Jokes / Ten Reasons to go to work naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
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']]}Jokes / What's Wrong, Doc?
What's Wrong, Doc?
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
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']]}Jokes / Snow White and the 7 dwarfs
One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard day’s work. As they approached the house, they heard some sounds coming from the garden.
Their curiosity aroused, they stood on each others’ shoulders until finally one of them could see over the garden wall.
The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the Prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulders he is standing on, “Snow White is with the Prince.”
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, “Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is…..” (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says:
“They`re Kissing”
Again the chain starts:
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re …….”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off…………”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both………”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to……….”
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, so she gets up to investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says:
“She`s Coming..”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
Their curiosity aroused, they stood on each others’ shoulders until finally one of them could see over the garden wall.
The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the Prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulders he is standing on, “Snow White is with the Prince.”
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, “Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is with the Prince”
“Snow White is…..” (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says:
“They`re Kissing”
Again the chain starts:
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re Kissing”
“They`re …….”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off her clothes”
“He`s taking off…………”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both nude now”
“They`re both………”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to make love to her”
“He`s about to……….”
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, so she gets up to investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says:
“She`s Coming..”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
“So am I”
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']]}Jokes / Perfect compliment
The wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband:
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The guy says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband:
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The guy says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
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']]}Jokes / Perfect advise
An old man was working out in the gym when he spotted a cute young girl.He asked the trainer that was near by,
"Hey, what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet girl over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
"Hey, what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet girl over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said,
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."
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']]}Jokes / Chicken surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
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']]}Jokes / Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
.
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.
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"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Miami."
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']]}Jokes/ Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
There are things, you really don't wanna hear during surgery:
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- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- “Ok, will finish that crap later!”
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- “Guys the game begins, turn on the tv!”
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- “What the f**k is this? Don’t know…push it back..”
- "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
- Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
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']]}Funny Pictures / Superhero FAILS
Superheros are not just legends, they are ALIVE and around us. See these funny Superhero pictures. :D
Browse the latest Funny Videos in our archive
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