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Jokes / Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts
THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
More Chuck Norris Jokes
Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts
Things you don't know about Chuck Norris
More Chuck Norris One Liners
World of Warcraft commercial with Chuck Norris
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']]}Jokes / An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
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']]}Jokes / Things You'll Probably Never See Happen in Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
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']]}Jokes / Liar
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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']]}Jokes / " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don’t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
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']]}Jokes / Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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']]}Jokes / Bedtime storie
Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny....."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."
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']]}Jokes / Jim and Edna
Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'
'Oh no' Edna replies, 'that's where I put him to dry !'
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes 'Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...'
'Oh no' Edna replies, 'that's where I put him to dry !'
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']]}Jokes / Hilarious chinese learning lesson
I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
Are you hiding a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim
Hilarious Chinese learning lesson
Chin Tu Fat
Are you hiding a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni
It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim
Hilarious Chinese learning lesson
Has your flight been delayed?
Hao long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived.
Hai Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Sing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song
Hao long Wei Ting?
An unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?
Please stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived.
Hai Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Sing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song
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']]}Jokes / Irish shopping
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"' Scuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"
done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothing, said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
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']]}Jokes / Art exhibition at the National Gallery
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. The man in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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