{[['
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Before
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room;
she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient
dinners like a fine port.
After
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you
scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the
office really does have a great arse.
2. Addictions
Before
You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken
recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After
For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in
your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before
You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her
presence.
After
You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before
Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her
unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After
Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before
Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks.
Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.
After
A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before
Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over
candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.
Before
Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the
uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you
listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
6. The flip side (the female perspective)
Before
She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass
male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of sh*t.
After
She knows you're full of sh*t.
Before
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room;
she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient
dinners like a fine port.
After
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you
scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the
office really does have a great arse.
2. Addictions
Before
You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken
recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After
For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in
your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before
You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her
presence.
After
You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before
Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her
unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After
Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before
Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks.
Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.
After
A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before
Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over
candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.
Before
Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the
uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you
listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
6. The flip side (the female perspective)
Before
She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass
male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of sh*t.
After
She knows you're full of sh*t.
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