Another 10 funny quotes

”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”

”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong”

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” 

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets”

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”