25 Funny Tweets

Some really brilliant lines are sharing every second in Twitter. 

        Let me share these precious 25 with you :D

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“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. - P. Poundstone

“Dear life, when I said “ can my day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge” – @Willyferrell

“As Bieber sleeps, I grow stronger. Sleep, Bieber. Sleep.” – Conan Obrien

“How do you find will smith in the snow?  Look for the fresh prints...”

“Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?” - @Coastiefish

“I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It’s still alive, but its hair looks FABULOOOOUS”

“My father looked at all my tweets yesterday and said "I don't know who the bigger failure is- you, me or god." - MarvinMacatol

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." -Lily Tomlin

"Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die"

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” -Britney Spears

"Saying ''LMFAO'' ''ROFL'' and "LOL" when you're clearly just sitting there showing less expression than a brick."

"NEXT!!! Can I help you? Nah. I just stood in line to say hi."

"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it.

They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'." @Almightygod

"My personality test results came back. They're negative." @Redrabbit

"My mechanic just told me I could pick my car up at 5 p.m. and that they 'might be having a few beers there after work'. OMG is this a date?!" @katydidsays

" God must love stupid people. He made SO many."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Take everything in moderation. Including moderation."

"Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house."@confuciussay

”Always protect your ‘wand’ when entering her Chamber of Secrets.” - @_Snape_

“I like my coffee to be like my secret eHarmony account’s profile picture: black.” –@pattonoswalt

“Smoking pot may be illegal, but then again, so is the music on your iPod” - @PeterGriffin

“ I hate when ugly people say “I need my beauty sleep” Bitch you need to hibernate”- @Adam Sandler

“Someone approached me today and asked me if I was that chick from The L Word…” justinbeiber

“ I haven’t seen a spider around the house in days. WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?” - @Robinwilliams

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5 Hilarious Sports Jokes

A Denver Broncos' fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral." 

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

  

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Recently, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit suprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

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Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Niners' fan," the boy replied.

"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"No, I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys' fan." replied the boy.

The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

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A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS'."