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Jokes / More Chuck Norris One Liners
- Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
- Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
- Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
- Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
- According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris get his driver's license at the age of 16 Seconds.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts
Things you don't know about Chuck Norris
More Chuck Norris One Liners
World of Warcraft commercial with Chuck Norris
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']]}Jokes / "My sister is blonde"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -("com-for-da-bul" )
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']]}Jokes / No help required
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, John found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need John’s help to leave the hospital.
After a short talk about rules being rules, he reluctantly let John wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down John asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
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']]}Jokes / Day off
Two factory workers are talking:
The woman says :
"I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies, "And how you are gonna do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Their boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Jokes / Drinking at the bar
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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']]}Jokes / A fellow blonde
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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']]}Jokes / Top 10 reasons why TV is better than WWW
Below are the top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web:
- 10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
- 9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
- 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV-even on MTV.
- 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
- 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
- 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
- 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
- 3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
- 2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
- 1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
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